Directions: |
Directions:You're going to need a twelve -quart Dutch oven to cook this, and I mean a REAL cast iron Dutch oven, not one of those citified, limp-wristed frying pans with a lid. No self-respecting macho he-man would be caught dead with a cheap imitation, no more than he would sew doilies to his sleeping bag or put ruffles on his camouflage rain parka. No, a REAL Dutch oven sits on four legs, has a tight-fitting flanged lid to hold coals on top for the baking of cobblers and the scorching of biscuits, and has a sturdy bail handle for burning you fingers. In a twelve quart size, it will weigh more than Greenland, and between trips you can store it by hanging it from the gun rack in the back window of your pickup.
First, you go out with your chainsaw and cut yourself a bunch of firewood, preferably hickory, oak or mesquite. I've found that the sawing seems to go faster if you have at least one tattoo. Then you arrange the wood in a compact pile in your fire pit, and light it by any method approved by the Forest Service. My own favorite method is gasoline.
If you sit close enough to the fire while you're igniting it using my preferred method, you won't need to worry about shaving for the next couple of days. You don't really NEED eyebrows in the Great Outdoors anyhow.
As long as you have your chainsaw warmed up, you might as well cut the meat into smaller pieces, preferably fist-sized or smaller. First, though, you might want to check your meat for freshness by poking it with the blade of your survival knife or the toe of your boot. If it makes a noise or tries to crawl away, it probably isn't quite dead enough. If, on the other hand, vultures begin to circle and alight within twenty feet of your food preparation area, it may be a bit TOO dead - either that or you should check up on your macho he - man camping companions. You'll develop a feel for this with experience.
Anyhow, toss the lard into the Dutch oven along with the meat, and set the oven into the fire long enough for the meat to brown. When you quit coughing from the smoke, it's browned enough. While you're waiting, you can cut up the vegetables. I suppose you can wash them first, if you're a sissy.
Take the pot off the fire and toss in the vegetables, along with the chilies and seasonings. By this time, your fire should have burned down to glowing coals. Dig yourself a hole next to the fire about two feet across and a foot and a half deep. Then scoop about one-third of the glowing coals into the hole. BE SURE AND USE YOUR SHOVEL!! You already have it in your hand from digging the hole.
Put the lid on the Dutch oven, place the oven in the hole, and shovel the remaining coals on top of the oven, with a final covering of about two inches of loose dirt.
The stew will take about two hours to simmer slowly underground. While you're waiting, drink the cans of beer. Chew the tobacco, and spit the juice into the fire. When the beer is all gone, the stew is ready.
Most experienced macho he-man cooks will remember to prop up the bail of the oven prior to burying it, so that it will be easier to lift out of the hole. You of course, will have forgotten to do this, so you'll have to fish around in the coals with a stick. Then, because you've drunk enough beer to float a battleship, you'll grab the hot bail without a potholder. You can tell that your fingers are burned enough when you hear them start to sizzle. Hop around a lot. Yell and cuss to taste.
Once you've wrestled the Dutch oven out of its hole, you're ready for the reward for all your effort.
First, find a dirty spoon. Take a generous taste of the stew, spit it out hurriedly, yell "SONOFA_____!!!", dump out the stew and eat the Dutch oven. |
This recipe for Sonofabitch Stew is from