What you expect from a fridge:
– to keep your food fresh, because that’s what fridges do. Are supposed to.
– to leave an iceberg of Titanic proportions in your freezer compartment, such that it’ll take days, (nay, years), to defrost. “Frost free? What’s that?”, your fridge chuckles.
– to make like the sun and thaw your food when you explicitly asked it NOT to (and it explicitly agreed)
– to hide your food in places you never knew existed (labyrinth, anyone?) until you start to smell something verrrrrry wrong each time you open the fridge door.
How to prevent your fridge’s disobedience:
– every night, read poetry to itDefrost and declutter it on a regular basis so it feels loved and cared for and feels less of a need to rebel in order to be noticed.
– Make a note of its insurance and warranty and stick both dates on the fridge door to ensure they’re both always up to date.
– Every week or so, have a rummage through to ensure nothing should be in the bin rather than the fridge.
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– warm your food thoroughly. Cooked through. Piping hot. Steam curling out seductively from your dinner when you cut into it, like it’s in an advert.
– not burn your food
– to cook your food deceptively. Piping hot on the outside. Cold on the inside.
– burn your food whatever temperature you set it at, because once your oven makes up its mind, it makes up its mind.
– keep insurance/warranty up to date. Ovens have an uncanny way of misbehaving the minute these expire.
– If you have a non-electrical oven, check your pilot light often to make sure there isn’t anything covering its port (bits of food, residue from what you used to clean the oven). You can clean the port with the aid of a small wire.
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What you expect from a sink:
– for it to like water
– for it to express how much it likes water by letting it pass through effortlessly
– for it not to leak
Your sink’s evil plan: – to develop an allergy to water
– to be extremely receptive to food
How to prevent your sink’s disobedience:
– leave it to have an overnight heart-to-heart chat with some liquid drain unblocker (or vinegar and bicarbonate of soda).
– put it on a strict water diet by buying a sink strainer
– have a second diary as a decoy
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What you expect from a washing machine: – for it to actually wash
– to stick to the cycle you set it at, because it likes and respects you
– to be noisy but courteously so
– to physically stick to one spot
– to wash twice as long as you initially set it, sometimes longer, depending on whether it’s a full moon or not
– to make as much noise as possible…and move around just as much (“Hello. Only me. Just passing through”, it says as it rattles past you towards the hallway).
– After each wash, leave its door slightly open to air it out. It stops stale smells from taking up residence.
– tell it you’re sorry, even though you’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes, that’s all a washing machine wants to hear.
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– to pop up/stay down when it’s supposed to and to know the difference between the two
– for it to toast bread in an unburnt fashion, unless you explicitly ask it to
– to adamantly refuse to pop up/stay down when it’s meant to
– to have a complete and utter disregard for the current economic climate and make you buy twice as many loaves of bread as you actually need because it insists on burning every slice to a crisp.
– Toast slices that are of the same size. Lessens the likelihood of burning.
– If the lever is faulty, check there aren’t any bits of food blocking it or the thermostat playing up.
This guest post was contributed by Kit Stone; a leading provider of beautiful bespoke kitchens.
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